clumsy believer.

i almost gave up yesterday.
being confronted with the mess of your life is never easy.

i woke up yesterday morning from an awful dream and an unsettled feeling in my gut. i cried all afternoon and took some tylenol. but tylenol doesn’t work on stress and bad memories.
sometimes i think the fight isn’t worth it. i’ve been fighting all semester to confront all these things, so that i can be the woman God wants me to be. i’ve been growing. i’ve felt the joy of God. i’d never felt that before. i’ve always been intimate with Him, felt peace and love from Him, but never this joy.

so it’s been good. but it’s been bad.

like deep down in the heart tough.
you know how you can look back on certain times of your life that were turning points? a place where there was a fork in the road and you had to make this huge decision and it changed your life? yeah.
so i’ve chosen a path and i’m running, running, running and i’m tired. this is a difficult path. yesterday i was overwhelmed and every step felt impossible. i told myself i couldn’t do this anymore. that it hurt too much. that it was hopeless. that i was hopeless.

when i think about it all — in it’s entirety — i don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. i’m too weak. this life is too hard.
but God is going to give me exactly what He knows I can handle. and He’s with me every step of the way. i think the biggest problem has been my questioning of God…where He is…if He’s really good. i’ve been angry. not really at God, but at the whole situation. i want closure and love. the thing about God is He is good, and His goodness is not contingent on whether or not i believe Him. my view of God and His promises might change, but that doesn’t mean that He Himself has. God has always been here for me through everything.

What makes me think today is the exception?

i keep a quote book filled with quotes i love, but none compare to this prayer i found a week ago.

“May God bless you with discomfort
at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships,
so that you may LIVE DEEPLY within your heart.

May God bless you with anger
at injustice, oppression and the exploitation of people,
so that you may work for JUSTICE, FREEDOM AND PEACE.

May God bless you with tears to shed
for those who suffer pain, rejection and starvation,
so that you may REACH OUT YOUR HAND to comfort them
and TURN THEIR PAIN INTO JOY.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness
to believe that you can MAKE A DIFFERENCE in this world,
so that YOU CAN do what others claim cannot be done.”
-prayer of Fransiscan monks

and it’s become pretty much one of my favorite worship songs. but i had one of those moments where i was singing it and wondering if i really meant all the words.

come like You promise You would. i want to surrender for good. i know that i need You and i don’t want to keep living life alone.

there are a lot of parts i can identify with. a lot of cries i daily pour from my heart.

so take my heart and make it true and make it new and make it like You.

i want to be changed. conformed. i want to be molded.

i lift my hands. they’re Yours not mine to do…
do what You will, do what You will, do what You will…

and i started thinking, am i really giving them to Him right now? fully? wholly? honestly? because i feel like my hands are in fists behind my back.

I’M READY NOW. I’M READY NOW. I’M READY NOW. DO WHAT YOU WILL.

my readiness has been tested and i have failed. is restoration coming? can i swing back in the places i’m losing footing? can strength spring up where my hope has dwindled?
i’m praying through each tiny step, that God would do what He wants with each one. i need to be made ready. because this is too overwhelming otherwise.

this book has taught me more in my walk with God than any book ever has. it has impacted me in ways that other wonderful books have never come close. and it has been close to my heart since i was about 12 years old, up until now.

gilmore girls.

that was easy.

next?

speak.

kristen stewart was in it before she got famous and lame. it’s an indie movie about a girl who gets raped and how she deals with it. how people treat her and what goes on in her mind. i love it because there isn’t a whole lot of dialogue, but everything that’s said feels like it was said on purpose, to make you think. steve zahn is her cool art teacher that helps her through it by giving her the assignment of painting trees all semester long — which becomes a sort of therapy for her. it’s a beautiful movie. i love a lot of movies, but there’s just nothing like it.

Melinda Sordino: It’s time for a mental health day. So conjugate this: I cut class. You cut class. He/she/it cuts class.

i’m not sure. today it is supernatural by flyleaf. this is subject to change by…tomorrow. but anyway, i love it because i can relate a lot. and i want God to give me a patience that is supernatural…beyond human understanding. a love of God that surpasses all earthly hurt. plus…i love flyleaf.

Her headaches
Constant
Increasing in pain with each passing day
She can’t even manage to stand on her own
It’s gotten so bad

Now you think of saying
There’s no use in praying
Still she bows her head so she can say,
“Thank you for just one more day.”

Supernatural patience
Graces her face
And her voice never raises
All because of a love
Never let go of
Never let go of

He has every reason to throw up his fists
In the face of his God who let his mother die
Through all the prayer and tears
She still passed in pain anyway

Now you think of saying
There’s no use in praying
Still he bows head so he can say,
“Thank you for ending her pain.”

Supernatural patience
Graces his face
And his voice never raises
It’s all because of a love
Never let go of
Never let go of

He is teaching me
What love really means

tonight i watched the movie, to save a life, which is absolutely phenomenal. i was pleasantly surprised that a low-budget christian movie could be so well-made, with such a beautifully moving story line.
on their website (tosavealifemovie.com), people write in to share their stories. i’ve been reading through them. here’s a couple:

Christopher - Posted on November 22, 2010
The past hurts. I can’t think about it or be reminded about it without getting a wound opening. My spirit has been crushed and forever I’m scarred for life. There seems to be no cure for the pain… my heart aches with sorrow despite these things being torn open so long ago. It has been years since the incident and yet I still suffer. No one really notices because I hide my emotions from them; it’s not their problem so why should they care? They did this to me… they made me into this and I’ll suffer till I finally find a happiness to demolish it forever.

Deidra - Posted on November 21, 2010
I’m not a cutter or haven’t ever tried to commit suicide, but I have thought about it a lot. Almost everyday actually. I don’t have a bad life, but I still feel alone. I thought I had people that I could talk to. That actually got what I was trying to say, but in the end, they really didn’t. No one understands what is going on inside my mind. I’ve tried to let it out, to let someone truly understand the pain I bottle up inside, but nobody gets it. They diagnose me as depressed or bipolar. Yeah, I may be those things, but what I really need is just for someone to TRULY listen to me. I don’t need criticism or someone else’s oppinions. I just want to be able to actually explain myself and not feel judged or like I’m wasting someone’s time talking about my problems. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO UNDERSTAND and GET what is I’m actually talking about. I’m 17 years old but inside it feels like I’m already dying.

these are the people i’m living for. the God that has sustained my life and brought me out of the bondage that’s holding them wants me to love.

God,
clear away what’s clouding their vision. help me show them who You are. how much hope there is. what makes it all worth it. i am a testimony to Your grace. if it were not for You, i wouldn’t be here. point out to me the hurting, the lonely and depressed. give me the right words. make your peace…joy…love known to them. please don’t let me get in the way of Your work. use me.

these are fun. and they help me to keep writing.

Day 01 — Your favorite song Day 02 — Your favorite movie Day 03 — Your favorite television program Day 04 — Your favorite book Day 05 — Your favorite quote Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad Day 09 — A photo you took Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 13 — A fictional book Day 14 — A non-fictional book Day 15 — A fanfic Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly) Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.) Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 19 — A talent of yours Day 20 — A hobby of yours Day 21 — A recipe Day 22 — A website Day 23 — A YouTube video Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy Day 25 — Your day, in great detail Day 26 — Your week, in great detail Day 27 — This month, in great detail Day 28 — This year, in great detail Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

(i am my worst critic.)

i was sitting in the basement of the greenville art center, watching a friend of mine sculpt beautiful creations while we talked for hours. and i began to realize as i watched her mold each and every one of these gorgeous heads that life is a lifetime. and by that, i mean that life takes time. a life can’t be lived in a second or a season or a year. the process of what it means to exist is a long, hard road that takes us to a place where experience and mistakes and having people love you shapes you in to a specific kind of person.
and as she rounded out the temple of this person, it occured to me that i want to be that person. specifically, i want to live fully, deeply, into my greatest potential. i want to be exactly what God wants me to be. i want to live into my prime, ripe with wisdom and old age — a haven of love.
in that moment, i began to see the way God was shaping me. as i saw her take such care to smooth out the rough edges and cut off the extras, i sensed i was learning a lesson in the mercy of God, who creates me with even more care and a steady hand. this semester has seemed very confusing and draining. but when i understand God as an artist, i see the world differently. my life becomes, not a burden, but something He has created. i am thanking God that i am “being fired” in a furnace that is painful and messy but purposeful and true. i am thanking God that when i look up at Him and say “why?” He’s molding His image into me.

as alisha molded her clay, i saw another thing that inspired me. there was a quote up on the wall that another artist had put there to move them in possibly the same way it had me.

“May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may LIVE DEEPLY within your heart.
May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression and the exploitation of people, so that you may work for JUSTICE, FREEDOM AND PEACE.
May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection and starvation, so that you may REACH OUT YOUR HAND to comfort them and TURN THEIR PAIN INTO JOY.
And may God bless you with enough foolishness to blieve that you can MAKE A DIFFERENCE in this world, so that YOU CAN do what others claim cannot be done.”
-prayer of Fransiscan monks

i want to do something crazy with this quote. like tattoo it down my side. and then live it.

alisha has a beautiful heart. as she talked to me about guilt and shame, i was reminded once again of my dad. there are just certain things that come to mind when you think of certain people. sometimes when i think about my dad, my thoughts are glassy and faint — like distant images of things i’ve tried to separate myself from. other times there like bold markers in the middle of a road that cause me to stop and question. or listen. sometimes to question and listen.
all i know is that this semester’s theme has been facing shame and guilt and over and over again, i am reminded that God wants me to be confident in my reverance. bold in my brokenness. i can’t do that while i cower.
it’s frustrating reaching for that and not being able to grab it, put my fingers around it and take it on as my own. but one day that will happen. maybe even soon. for now i see it. and for now that is enough to keep my hopeful.

today helped to keep me settled in my heart that God’s got it.

God is God and i am not.

i struggle with them. i have a hard time saying no when i should. i don’t have a clear understanding of where the line is drawn. i’m not sure when to defend or stick up for myself, and when i should just let things go. when i think i’m right in certain situations, i often back down, assumming i’m probably not good at discerning the situation. assumming my judgement is probably off.

because of this, i spent an afternoon apologizing and feeling bad for something that i’m not sure i should have felt bad for. i’ve been thinking about it all day, and i genuinely don’t know if i did anything wrong or not. additionally, i don’t know if i should change my behavior to please the other person. i would rather people just be happy with me and like me, more than anything. but maybe that’s not always the best thing. maybe sometimes it’s better to do and act according to what i want and deal with the reaction and consequences of relationship.

i don’t know.

there’s a book called “boundaries” by henry cloud that i really want to read. i read the one called “boundaries in dating”. it was so good. and nancy tells me i should read this one.

i’m just tired of being confused and having all these weaknesses and not doing anything about them. i want to figure stuff out so that when afternoons like these happen, i can say what’s on my heart and not feel guilty about it because i believe it’s right and true and good for me to speak up. i aspire to be that person.

1. a man who gets mad at men who victimize women. a man who is passionate about protecting women. a man who will not make off handed lustful jokes or put women down so as to feel superior. a man who sees women being sexually exploited, physically abused, emotionally worn…and is moved to compassion, desiring to be a different kind of man — one who honors and treasures women. a man who uses what strength and power he has as a man to lead in gentleness and empathy.

2. humility. putting others before yourself. considering yourself 2nd. being moved to serve as a result. loving others and holding others lives in higher regard than your own.

3. a man who reads. and actually likes to read. someone who can talk to you about something he read recently that interested him. someone who asks you what you think about in regards to what he’s been reading. it shows me you are mindful of being still. you have the capability to be a deep and serious person (though you shouldn’t be this way all the time). it helps me peg you as an intellectual. a learner.

these are probably 3 of the main things i will notice about you. they are rare and hard to come by, which makes them even more attractive.

1. pride and arrogance. get your nose out of the air. it’s ugly.

2. bad breath. i’m trying to concentrate on what you’re saying, really. but you keep blowing air in my face and it smells so bad. if you’re a girl, it’s hard to have good conversation. if you’re a potential boyfriend, i can’t ever imagine kissing you. which is bad.

3. shallow talk/fakeness. we can joke around and talk about what our favorite band is. but there comes a point in conversation where it’s time to talk about things of purpose. meaning. tell me your story. be passionate about serious in-your-face sorts of things. be real with me. i want to hang out with you. not some fake, airbrushed simulation of what you want to be.

4. chronic anger. stop yelling at me. let’s be civil. you act like a drunk when you’re mad. take control of yourself and calm down so you can actually get something accomplished.

these people are only 5. not nessasarily top 5. but 5 off the top of my head. and i love them very much. :)

1. anna tucker - it’s interesting that you should be on this list, considering that i’ve only known you for about a month. i love that you are like 4 years older and you love hanging out with me. i love that you are married and still have time for a single lady! thank you for the coffee dates, dinner, asking me to help you decorate your apartment, picking me up to go shopping, talking to me about your wedding night, and helping me make bracelets. i love your tender heart and your passion for the Lord. thank you for educating me about human trafficking and calling me your dear friend.

2. julie o’neill - you’ve always been here, you are here, you always will be here. what more can i say? i trust you in a way i’ve never trusted anyone. words fall short. thank you.

3. annalyssa vignassi - thank you for accepting me — mistakes and all. especially being your roommate, i know there are so many little annoying things you must see in me. thank you for still calling me your best friend! for making me laugh and being such a dear, beautiful friend.

4. megan stingley - you were the first person i told when i had my first kiss. actually, i kissed the boy, walked home, ran into my room, shut the closet door and called you. thank you for screaming and being excited for me! thank you for being such a great friend that summer in peru. for telling me all about coy buckley. for being excited about me going to college and being the best long distance friend i’ve ever had. when we don’t talk for awhile, thank you for making it so easy to pick up where we left off. it’s amazing.

5. edith robles - girl. i am absolutely crazy about you. it is no surprise that your top strength is “woo”. your hispanic flavor. your ghetto dance moves. your silly face right before you’re about to say something funny. you are so so funny! thank you for coming over to my room just to do your homework. thank you for wanting to see me first above everyone when something’s going wrong. thank you fro asking me how i’m doing nearly everyday, and being the best floormate ever.

this seems to be happening to me quite a lot lately. it’s amazing to me how i can live my entire life and then one day something will just hit me all the sudden. and a lot of times those “aha” moments are like an arrow pointing me in a new direction — changing me in ways that will last a lifetime.

today i realized my life is a miracle.
having a basic understanding of the word “miracle” i know that it was a miracle that i was born. i know that the way my human body functions and the the way my mind works are both miracles. i know it is a miracle that Jesus died on the cross and saved me from my sin. it is nothing short of a miracle that I am in communion with the God of the universe — that one day i will go to heaven.
having this basic understanding, however, the word “miracle” redefines itself for me as i look into my past.

there’s a vese that says “by the grace of God i am what i am”. today i was overwhelmed with this truth.

if you don’t know my story and i told you it now, you’d more than likely be shocked and surprised. your awe would probably attribute itself to my previous secracy, and your having known me without really knowing me. in knowing me, however, you’d probably see a lot of pain and hurt and sin — commited and inflicted.

when i look at all these things…when i have the dreams and think the thoughts that lead me back to my story, i am reminded of how merciful God is. not only has He preserved my life, but He has caused me to live in a loving relationship with Him.
and even beyond that, i should probably be much, much farther off the road than where i am. most of the times i think i’m a complete failure and i struggle with finding hope, but on days like today i am able to look at myself and say it is a miracle that i am, though not fully stable, as stable as i am. it is a miracle that i, though not full strong, have the strength that i have. it is a miracle that i am passionate about the Lord and that i’m trying my best to seek Him.

as far as being perfect goes, i am on the other end of the spectrum.
but today i am thanking God with my whole heart for putting His hand in my life — actively at work — miraculously.