i almost gave up yesterday.
being confronted with the mess of your life is never easy.
i woke up yesterday morning from an awful dream and an unsettled feeling in my gut. i cried all afternoon and took some tylenol. but tylenol doesn’t work on stress and bad memories.
sometimes i think the fight isn’t worth it. i’ve been fighting all semester to confront all these things, so that i can be the woman God wants me to be. i’ve been growing. i’ve felt the joy of God. i’d never felt that before. i’ve always been intimate with Him, felt peace and love from Him, but never this joy.
so it’s been good. but it’s been bad.
like deep down in the heart tough.
you know how you can look back on certain times of your life that were turning points? a place where there was a fork in the road and you had to make this huge decision and it changed your life? yeah.
so i’ve chosen a path and i’m running, running, running and i’m tired. this is a difficult path. yesterday i was overwhelmed and every step felt impossible. i told myself i couldn’t do this anymore. that it hurt too much. that it was hopeless. that i was hopeless.
when i think about it all — in it’s entirety — i don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. i’m too weak. this life is too hard.
but God is going to give me exactly what He knows I can handle. and He’s with me every step of the way. i think the biggest problem has been my questioning of God…where He is…if He’s really good. i’ve been angry. not really at God, but at the whole situation. i want closure and love. the thing about God is He is good, and His goodness is not contingent on whether or not i believe Him. my view of God and His promises might change, but that doesn’t mean that He Himself has. God has always been here for me through everything.
What makes me think today is the exception?